I wish I could decide ever
that your presence, your acquaintance
is to me a boon or a bane.
I also wish I could control my mind
which like a pendulum sways across two extremes.
Is it your diatribe or my vanity
that ever separate us
or is it our destiny
which has thus made us?
Even if I accept this alienation
I wonder what at length binds us,
What then compels me to write
a letter to you and then the very next moment abandon it?
No matter even if I call it futile a hundred times
The hundred and first time
I turn pensive and entranced
where retrospection is my only refuge
I wish I could find answers in Freud’s doctrines
and at length sit with
a glass of liquor in my hands
and striving for the kind of peace one gets in death
I wish I could have apologised to you
but now can only fancy it,
Be a monk, a saint
and drown into the ocean of peace
I wish I could sail to Byzantium.
–Mayank (The Morningstar)